My experience with meds

Before I write this blog I would just like to point out that I will be talking about my PERSONAL experiences with the different medications I have been on. Not everyone will have the same experiences that I had something that works for me may not work for you and vice versa so if you have found the perfect medication or coping mechanism for you DON'T change it just because I say I didn't find it effective.


Right first off I will start by listing the different medications I have been on:

• Fluoxetine (Prozac)
• Amitriptyline
• Citalopram
• Diazepam (Valium)
• Beta Blockers - (although these were prescribed to me I flat out refused to take them.)

I was 14 when I was first prescribed Prozac I have spoke about this in one of my previous blogs so I wont spend too much time discussing it here I will link the other blog at the end of this post if you are interested. Fluoxetine also known as Prozac is an anti-depressant of the SSRI class. I was too young for my GP to prescribe me it so I was sent to a psychiatrist who would be able to prescribe me them after a month of so of therapy. In all honesty I was so young I was pretty against the idea of therapy and pills so foolishly I didn't give it a go properly. I was sure I could go it myself and I was a typical difficult teenager, I missed appointments with my counsellor and I would pop my pill down the toilet or the sink so I didn't see much of an improvement. I think I was young and naive and I truly believed I didn't need help. Howeve SSRI's have actually been my favourite type of medication so far.

I had suffered from depression from a young age but I had never experienced anxiety until I was 15 and I had my first attack in school which scared me enough that I never actually went back to school I dropped out. When I began refusing to leave my bedroom though my Mum called the doctor out and I was prescribed Amitriptyline which is a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA). Once again I was scared about taking medication and I tried to resist but I was so anxious and so low I had to give them a go. I did not like this tablet one bit infact I had such a bad experience with it, I stopped taking meds all together for a really long time. While I was taking these tablets I was constantly asleep I could not physically wake myself up, my Mum came to my bedroom to wake me up one morning and actually got quite frightened by how out of it and unresponsive I was. However I know not everyone is like that on these tablets as my Mum was later prescribed them and they helped her BUT she also found herself falling asleep a lot too. She also struggled with waking up. They left me feeling out of control as I was unable to physically keep myself awake so it made me worse resulting in me refusing to take them or any other medication for that matter.

When I was 16 in 2008 I began to get better I got myself a job working as a receptionist and I even went on 2 family holidays, we didn't leave the country we went camping and to a caravan park but it was amazing to me just being able to go away with my family. As my anxiety subsided I found my depression got worse so I went back to the doctors and this time I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg I spoke to my doctor about my reservations seen as I had such a hard time with the medication I was on before but he assured me it would help so I began taking them. There was a huge change in me as a person I felt optimistic and anxiety free! I even went travelling on my own, I only went to Scotland but I felt so free going away on my own to a different place, ofcourse I got nervous but I don't think I suffered one anxiety attack. Many people commented on how brave it was of me travelling alone at 16 but at the time it felt amazing I don't think I have ever felt so free. Then I made a common mistake I come off my medication believing I was better which was a huge mistake things went downhill from there.

The beginning of this year I had what the doctor called a nervous break down, it happened early hours of the morning and I became hysterical I don't like to talk about it too much because it is upsetting but as soon as the doctors opened my Mum went down and begged someone to come and see me as she was really afraid for me. A doctor came out straight away and had a chat with me, she told me she was going to prescribe me Diazepam (Valium) I was against this as I had heard how Valium would knock you out but I was desperate and I have to say it was the fastest acting medication I have ever taken. Within an hour of taking the first tablet I was sleepy and spaced and anxiety free, I almost felt like I was floating I felt light and weird I wasn't frightened though and I didn't feel worried. I fell in love with Diazepam straight away and I remember getting the best sleep ever with them.

However my family and friends began to get a little concerned as they thought I was becoming a little too dependant on them I was prescribed my Citalopram again but I didn't bother with them aslong as I had my Diazepam I didn't care about the Citalopram. The downside to the Valium was I was constantly a little bit spaced and sleepy. I also found it didn't just take away my anxiety it took away all my emotions I kind of felt numb on these tablets. A psychiatrist came to visit me at home and decided to stop the Diazepam as she felt I was getting a mental addiction.

Now I am on Citalopram and I think I have finally found the best medication for me! The first week on my new meds was hell, I felt dizzy, sick, exhausted, spaced out and generally not myself I begged my Mum to let me come off them but she told me to stick in as it would be worth it and I am so glad I did. I started out on 10mg as going straight in with 20mg can worsen anxiety. The only side effects I know of on Citalopram is sleepiness which I do suffer from but that is a small price to pay. I know atleast 4 other people also on Citalopram and it works wonders for them too! It really is the best for me as there aren't a lot of side effects and it is effective for me. 

If you are starting out on Citalopram and you feel awful I urge you to hang in there! The one week of hell is worth it in the end.

Let me know what you think of this blog!!!! 

Emma

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Anxiety & Medication

The following website has a LOT of useful information about medication, I thought it would be easier to post the link rather than copy and paste the information and pass it off as my own work :http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/anxieties-site/common-medications-for-anxiety-disorders/menu-id-1201/ 

I hope this is helpful for those who are wanting to explore the different types of medication. 

Emma

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Is medication the answer?

Medication seems to be a really sensitive subject when I discuss anxiety, depression and agoraphobia with other sufferers, some people swear by it and others will avoid it at all costs but is it really the miracle cure we are looking for?!


I know when I first got diagnosed with depression I was very young I had just turned 14, the doctor wanted to prescribe me anti-depressants but because I was so young he had to send me to a psychiatrist in order to monitor how I was doing and to make sure medication was the right solution. I remember being totally horrified at the idea of being on anti-depressants so young I was worried how it would affect me and I worried that the other kids at school would think I was a freak. I was dead set against taking them but my Mum and Dad urged me to give it a shot as they wanted me to get better.


What do you think about children being prescribed anti-depressants? Do you believe it is wrong. I know when I was younger and a little more innocent I disagreed with it totally, I made my Mum's life a living hell I would pop the pill down the sink or toilet and say I had taken it so to be honest I never really gave it a chance as it never really got into my system.


I know some people who aren't educated when it comes to mental health problems look down their nose at those using medication to help them but the way I see it, why not? If it helps then great everyone is entitled to their own way of coping.


I have been prescribed many different tablets and I have had a horrible time with some, which put me off trying new tablets. The doctor prescribed me beta blockers and I flat out refused to even try them. Have any of you taken beta blockers, what is your opinion on them?


This year I have suffered really bad with my anxiety and eventually it got so bad I was willing to try anything so I decided to go back onto my medication, I am on citalopram 20mg but they started me out on 10mg so I could ease myself into the tablet. I have to say it is one of the best things I have ever tried it seems to have completely changed me as a person, I don't get so depressed any more and my panic attacks are quite rare, although that being said I am still completely agoraphobic I still fear the idea of going outside as I worry that I might have a panic attack and not be in a safe environment.


For those of you who don't want to take medication at all I don't disagree with your choice as doing something such as taking a tablet when you are not comfortable with it could make the anxiety worse! What tips do you use to cope? 


I have discovered  a website through one of the members of my support page on facebook, there are 2 free downloads an ebook and an audio recording I recommend anyone reading this to go check it out, as it has helped me and it is support for those who wish to keep away from medication:


http://www.nprtreatment.com/


As always let me know your thoughts :)


Emma
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Being Agoraphobic and independent

I just wanted to post a blog on this topic and I want to hear your feedback too! I have been thinking a lot lately about my agoraphobia and the main thing I hate about this illness is that I feel as though I am too reliant on others! 


For example yesterday night I was staying over at my Nana's house which is a huge step for me and I know I must be on the road to recovery as at the beginning of this year I would never have dreamt of spending a night anywhere other than my own house! Anyway some of you know I have been feeling a little under the weather lately and in the end I had to get my Mum to come pick me up at 11:00pm because I couldn't cope with being poorly at someone else's house. This left me feeling really emotional and embarrassed because I can't help but feel that at 19 I should be able to cope with these things and I shouldn't need my Mum to come and get me.


That is just one example of how I feel I have lost my independence, I feel like a baby sometimes and that I need to be looked after a lot. Does anyone else feel this way? Before I was agoraphobic I used to just get on with things, I even travelled to Scotland alone when I was 16 something I wouldn't dream of doing now! 


I was just wondering if it was common for people with Agoraphobia to feel a loss of independence and identity because I know I feel that way. Let me know and feel free to share any of your own thoughts or stories :)


Emma
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Where has Emma been?

Hiya everyone, I know it has been a while since I did a blog post. In fact it has probably been a while since any of you heard from me. I know I have some of you added to my personal Facebook and so I am able to chat to you but a lot of people don't have my Skype or Facebook added so I felt I should do this blog to explain what has been up with me lately. 


Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I made 2 video's and uploaded them to my youtube channel, I got really positive feedback so I decided to make it a regular thing, I promised you all I would continue to make my videos but I didn't stick to that so I apologize. Some of you may know I had my lip pierced and it became very swollen and bruised so I was unable to talk hence I didn't make a video. My lip is back to normal now luckily. 


I suffer from depression as well as anxiety and although my anxiety has improved so much lately I feel as though I have been a little more depressed than usual, I think this is down to my sleeping patterns. It is no secret that I struggle so much with my sleep, I will stay up until 8am then sleep all day and my cycle will be turned upside down totally. When this happens I tend to become more depressed as I am spending all of my time alone in my room not talking to many people. I don't get to see daylight either because I sleep all day and when I wake up it is dark which obviously doesn't help.


With my depressive episodes I shut people out too, I don't really speak to anyone which is why I haven't been keeping up with my group, although there is no excuse. I am still feeling pretty down at the moment but I have these kinds of episodes where I become depressed but it never lasts forever. I promise to make a video ASAP and to get myself back on track.


So yeah the only reason for this blog was to kind of explain where I have been. Sorry everyone and I hope you all know you can inbox me, email me, message me anytime you need me. I promise to get back to my group and get everything running again.


Thanks for reading this and having patience with me,


Emma
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Another successful day :)

Well I have been out again today I woke up this morning feeling ready to go! My Mum and Dad haven't been too well lately my Dad has a chest infection and my Mum has a really bad cold I don't think they would have gone out if I hadn't of asked so I am really grateful especially how they kept smiling and cheerful all day when I could tell they were really ill, so Mum, Dad if you read this I love you and thanks for supporting me :)


Okay so that's the soppy stuff out the way I know you all want to know how it went for me so I am going to tell you. We got in the car to go to Currys for those of you that don't know what that is its this kind of big store that sells all kinds of appliances, from laptops to cookers it sells a lot of pretty cool stuff. I had decided I wanted to go there because I can't afford a laptop at the moment but I had heard you can get them on credit which is ideal for me making small monthly repayments. There is no way I could live without my laptop it is my lifeline to the outside world on those days I can't get out and I have grown to love my Facebook group I care about every one of my members and I love reading your little comments on my page and hearing how you are all doing. So when I told my Mum and Dad this they thought it was best if they took me ASAP to get my laptop. 


I picked the laptop pretty much as soon as I got through the door I spotted it, it is quite girly which I like! So choosing what I wanted didn't take too long it was getting the credit check that took forever. I was really worried about this because I knew I would have to sit in the middle of this shop for however long it would take and that made me really nervous. My Mum gave me her car keys and told me if I needed to leave I could go at any point which helped a lot. My Mum and Dad took it in turns to sit beside me and the girl who served me was great she was very friendly which put me at ease. I was telling her about my course and my Facebook page and she thought it was a great idea.


Anyway there was a few technical difficulties so I was there a lot longer than I anticipated and my parents were really shocked by how chatty and laid back I was, I didn't break a sweat once or have my heart race it was fantastic. I never once thought I would be sat in the middle of a huge busy shop on a Saturday without batting an eyelid!


After we got the laptop sorted my Dad wanted to have a look at some DVDs so we drove to blockbuster which is on the other side of the water so it's quite a distance away from Currys I was nervous but thought I might aswell give it a go. I surprised myself further by going into Blockbuster and actually leaving my Dad to wander off on my own. We didn't buy anything and my Dad was starting to feel really sick from the antibiotics so we decided to head home, on the way we had to stop off at a little shop so my Dad could get some water he is really poorly at the moment and I worry about him! Luckily though he wasn't sick :) We decided instead of cooking we would get a McDonalds to celebrate how well today has went. So as we arrived at McDonalds I went off to the cash machine on my own to take out some money, it felt so good walking on my own with my head held high I didn't want to get back in the car!! lol


So today has been pretty successful I would say and I am so thankful to everyone who leaves me supportive and encouraging messages it really helps me and keeps me going.


Emma 
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Going out, Course & An embarrassing subject.

I know it has been a long time since I wrote a blog, well it feels like it has been a long time mind you I have been all over the place a bit lately it seems to be just one thing after another, I am not going to complain though because I have been feeling a lot more positive. Okay so here are some of the things that have been going on with me at the moment;


As you all know I was given double the dosage of my tablets at first it was a nightmare I felt dizzy, tired, sick and fed up it was horrible I wanted to stop taking the tablets but my Mum urged me to continue taking them and I did, it was worth a shot I mean I couldn't possibly feel any worse and I was still going to have my anxiety either way so I stuck with it and I am glad I did. For all of you out there who feel worried about taking new tablets and the side effects stick with it because the outcome is worth the first few weeks of sickness or extra anxiety or whatever. 


Ok girls this is a bit of an embarrassing subject but I find that my anxiety goes through the roof when I get my PMT right before my period, does anyone else find this? If you do please let me know! Well surprisingly this month I haven't had that at all I feel pretty ok which has surprised me and my Mum. So any of the girls reading this who have the same problem I urge you to please see your doctor I know how awful it was for me and the improvement in 3 weeks is amazing.


My course material arrived in the post yesterday I had to do a case study as a kind of test to see if I am suitable for the course I am very nervous but I have completed it and am quite pleased with my work. 


I told my Mum I needed her to post it for me and she suggested that I post it myself so we got in the car to pick my dad up from work. My dad works in the town centre so I always get kind of nervous heading into town because it is usually crowded and the roads are busy, today was no exception there was a lot of traffic because everyone was heading home from work and school. I felt a wave of anxiety come over me and somehow I managed to fight it off, the anxiety just left and I knew I could do it. I even got brave enough and walked to my Dad's work from the car park on my own, I stood in the waiting room for a while waiting for him to finish and he was so shocked to see me there it was such a great feeling!


We got back to the car and I felt strong so on the way home when my parents stopped at the green grocers for some fruit and veg I decided to go into the shop with them and again I was ok. I wont say that I wasn't nervous or worried but I managed to keep myself composed which was amazing to me. 


We live right by a shop and pharmacy and there is a post box outside so we stopped off on the way home so I could post my letter I even popped into the corner shop to buy myself some sweets and a bottle of water my Mam and Dad were really proud of me because I even struck up a conversation with the woman who works in the shop they said it was nice to see me being so social.


Anyway, I have just had my tea and I am watching some television now so I just wanted to let everyone know what I had done, I think my friend Lisa is coming to spend the night with me too which will be nice, feel free to comment or whatever :)

Emma 
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A very weird week.

I wanted to write everyone an update as I feel I have been absent a lot lately, I haven't been speaking to many people or updating my page a lot. As some of you know I have been given a higher dosage of my medication and this has affected me a lot more than I thought it would, I have constantly felt tired and worn out. I have spent all night lying in bed tossing and turning feeling physically and mentally drained but for whatever reason I have not been able to sleep. I have been falling asleep around 7 or 8am and spending the whole day in bed, I haven't been seeing a lot of daylight or having a lot of interaction with anyone and I really believe that has made me feel the way I do.


I suffer from depression as well as Anxiety I usually find that when I am depressed my anxiety eases off and when my depression eases my anxiety is heightened. l don't know if anyone else finds this? So I just wanted to let everyone know I'm not ignoring you all or abandoning my page I am trying to adjust to my meds and hopefully I will be back to my old self in no time :)

Emma 
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Some Exciting News :)

Hiya everyone I have some exciting news for anyone who is interested, well you probably wont find it that exciting but to me it is huge! Anyone who is following my blog or part of my group will know that I am hopefully going to set up an organisation in my home town to support people with anxiety disorders and agoraphobia. Well I have been working pretty hard on it lately getting everything down onto paper and spreading the word and it seems that quite a few people are interested in my idea and think it is great. 2 women passed on their business cards to me and are going to help me get started and today I had my official constitution drafted which was pretty exciting for me! My dad who helps organisations and group gets started showed my ideas to a colleague and she said she would set up a meeting with me to help me get funding so yeah it feels like everything is starting to fall into place. Its a little daunting if I am honest I keep wanting to pinch myself I am only 19 I never ever dreamed I would be doing this kind of thing! 

Also I enrolled in a distance learning course, I think it is 12 weeks and it is "Working with people who have mental health issues" which really interests me and will definitely come in handy for my organisation. Anyways enough ramblings from me I just wanted to update everyone. 


Emma
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Feeling emotional.

Hiya everyone, I need to keep on top of my blog I have been letting it slip recently and I feel kind of bad about it. I just wanted to talk about the last couple of weeks for me as they have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster I have had amazing highs and pretty crappy lows it's all been a bit tiring and confusing so I thought I would give everyone an update on what has been going on. 


Anyone who has been following my blog will know it was my birthday at the end of last month and there were so many emotions surrounding that day for me anyway I didn't want to be agoraphobic on my birthday and also turning 19 made me realise that the years are literally passing me by and I feel as though I am not moving forward. Anyway my birthday came around whether I liked it or not and I was surprised by how different I felt. My birthday party proved to me that I did have friends and family around who cared for me and it gave me a bit of a boost and from that day I started venturing out more, not without hiccups but I  felt a lot braver. I had my family and friends supporting me at all times and I felt on top of the world. Then for no reason I just came crashing back down again.


It was about 11pm and I just felt extremely sad all of a sudden for no reason, I think it might have been because I was on my own again, my family had gone to bed early as they were going back to work and my sister was starting college and I have found that I don't do too well on my own.
From that day on I just felt miserable like I didn't want to get out of bed or see anyone, my best friend even came over until 4am one morning to sit with me but I just couldn't cheer myself up I was feeling angry at myself and let down which made everything seem a lot worse. 


I have kind of been up and down now for the last couple of weeks but I am hoping to get back on track again soon I am too determined to give up this time. So that probably explains why I haven't been updating my blog much I have just been going through a bit of a rough patch but I feel better after getting things off my chest.


Emma
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Being A Teenager With Agoraphobia

Okay so tonight I am feeling pretty lonely and emotional so I just wanted to write an update while I am in this frame of mind.

Its a Saturday night and I am home alone which doesn't feel too great when you are 19! This is the first Saturday night I have spent alone in months so I guess that is partly why I feel so emotional. I hate being alone because that it when I get thinking about everything about my anxiety and agoraphobia and I try to avoid thinking about those things because if I do I worry that I will actually go crazy! Its pretty hard for me to write this blog because I feel kind of vulnerable I usually don't like people to see that side to me I like to keep up appearances and come across as strong and happy.

I feel frustrated because I want to go out into the world, I want to go back to school and get a job. I want to go on holiday and learn to drive and do everything I want to do but that just isn't an  option for me at the moment and I honestly have no idea when I will be able to do all those things. It's just hard being so young and watching your life pass you by.

I am so sorry for the ramblings and I don't want to seem very woe is me but I think we all get days like this. I can't really write any more because I am so anxious and tired and emotional but I will probably extend this blog at a later date,

Emma
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Out and About

Okay so I went out again tonight and I wanted to write a quick update for everyone!
My panic attacks have been quite frequent the last few days and usually I would break down and hide out in my room but for some reason lately I haven't allowed it to get me down, I have just dusted myself off and carried on.


Anyway today was pretty good I caught up with an old friend we used to spend every day together when we were in school but as we have grown up we see each other a little less, we still share a strong bond though partly because she also suffers from anxiety. After I caught up with my friend for a while I went to go and see my Nana.


My Nana is amazing, she is like my angel seriously I don't know what I would do without her and lately she hasn't been doing too good, she has always been active and independent but she is suffering with her knee at the moment she is awaiting an operation for a knee replacement so she has been stuck in the house and feeling a bit fed up. Which I can totally relate to as I am stuck in the house a lot too. So we decided to take her to the beach tonight for some chips, I was feeling anxious but I managed to deal with it quite well knowing that I had to be there for my Nana to cheer her up.


After we ate our chips and I stood by the beach front for a while we got into the car and headed to the supermarket to pick up some stuff, my family encouraged me to go inside, I got just inside but had to rush back to the car I just wasn't ready for crowds. I felt disappointed but tried not to let it get me down.


Later that night when I got home I had a little nap but my best friend gave me a text and asked if I wanted to go on a walk, we took the dog with us but as soon as we got to the end of my street I froze, I felt a little embarrassed but luckily he was understanding, he walked the dog and I just stood at the end of my street watching, I felt kind of hopeless and really ashamed. After we took the dog home he managed to persuade me to walk further, we walked to the local garage where I bought cigarette papers for my Mum and Dad. I was terrified like I was shaking and my heart was pounding but he kept me distracted we talked about what School was like for us when we were little.


It was good to have someone to push me a little because otherwise I never would have done it, so today I have done pretty well despite some hitches, I am hoping I can continue to keep up the good work.

Emma
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Beaches :)

I have to blog about this because I have been feeling on a high ever since it happened. On bank holiday Monday my parents told me they wanted me to try and go out somewhere so I agreed I said I would try but I wasn't promising anything, I picked the beach because I used to go there all the time when I was little so whenever I visit there I have so many fond memories its almost impossible for me to dwell on my fear of being outside.


We went to Roker a quiet beach about 15 minutes from where I live, in the car on the way there I felt quite anxious and uptight but whenever I got scared my Mum and Dad would assure me and I just listened to my iPod. When we got to the beach I totally surprised myself and my parents by getting out of the car and walking along the seafront with my dad to buy us something to eat and drink, I even got up the guts to talk to a couple of complete strangers who were walking their dog, we sat in the car and ate our hotdogs then I decided I wanted to visit the arcade, We went inside and my dad gave me some money to try and win a Teddy bear I probably wasn't inside for very long but to me it felt like a life time I asked my parents if we could leave as I could feel myself getting a little worked up.


My trip to the beach has left me feeling very positive and I just hope that there will be many more times and that one day I will recover from my agoraphobia again :)


Emma
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Birthday

I feel awful as I haven't updated my blog at all lately but I have kind of had a pretty full on week. It was my birthday last week and I turned 19 I was  feeling really blue about my birthday this year as I hated the idea that I might have to spend it in the house. Luckily I was able to go to my nana's house to see her for a while my Mum drove me, there were a couple of hiccups along the way I had a couple of panic attacks in the car but all in all I think I did pretty well I was quite proud of myself.


On the night I held a party at home for my friends and family which was totally nerve racking I was dreading the fact that my house would be crowded and that I wouldn't be able to get any alone time if I needed it, my house is my safe place and sometimes I am not comfortable with the idea of having a lot of people around, my friends and family insisted and said it would do me the world of good.


I would say my party was quite a success I kept away from alcohol all night though as I wanted to be fully alert but everyone else had a drink and I hope they enjoyed themselves. It was a good night a couple of people commented and told me how proud they were of me as I spent most of the night downstairs mingling however when I did feel nervous I just went to my bedroom for a while and pulled myself together.
I guess I am just lucky that my friends and family are so supportive, they all made such an effort so a quick thank you to everyone who made my day special if you are reading this :) 


After my party when everyone was winding down I went on a walk at like 3 in the morning with a couple of my friends, we didn't go too far but I loved it, it was so quiet and peaceful which appealed to me and helped slightly with my anxiety. Anyways I don't want to ramble on too much so I will leave it there, I have so much more to tell you all but that can wait :)


Emma 
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A Mothers Frustration & Pride

The following is written by my Mum, she wanted to talk about what it's like having a daughter who suffers with a Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. Hopefully it will inspire more people to start talking about their problems. Here it is: 


All a parent ever wants is to see their children happy and healthy. 

When Emma started to suffer from her panic disorder, it was a hard time for the whole family as we didn't really understand and were ill-equiped to deal with the situation. We tried to get help and support for Emma, but no-one seemed really interested. It took almost 2 years to get her counselling, but when she became agoraphobic the battle started again. The 'professionals' didn't want to do a home visit. It took over 7 months for them to agree to come out to see her, and when they did, they said they wouldnt be coming out again as they felt that they would be 'condoning' her not going out....really, thats what they said. I couldnt believe my ears. They had just dumped her, where did I go from here to get her the help and support
she needed. I could have cried. 

It was like starting the whole process again. We went back to the doctor, who referred her again, another waiting list....
In December 2009 a visit was made to assess Emma, on leaving the two 'professionals' said they would put Emma..... wait for it.....on another waiting list, which could take 18 months plus. So thats where we are, in the same place as we were 4 years ago...on a waiting list.

In between calling doctors, it was calling the school. The education authority is another service that has let my daughter down.

Emma has always been a very bright girl and went through school in the gifted and talented group. The school promised me that they would organise it for Emma to sit her exams in an environment that she would be happy in. Did they? Of course not. Their excuse, that they couldnt cater for her special needs because of the lack of staff and the facilities. 

Next was the prom, the prom that she so wanted to go to, but couldnt. The lead up to this event was very hard for Emma. All of her friends were quite rightly excited, and it was all they talked about on Facebook, Emma was pleased and excited for them too, but angry at herself for not being able to make it outside, to experience this with them. On the night of the prom, as agreed, her best male friend who lives up the road, rang Emma just before he left for the prom. He had promised Emma that he would, so that she would know when he was leaving so that she could look out of the window to see how smart he looked. Emma stood in the porch and they waved at each other. Afterwards Emma cried and cried. It was totally heartbreaking.

There are numerous other situations that Emma has had to deal with which has been really hard on her, and hard for a mother to watch her daughter dealing with them.

What I know now about panic disorders and agoraphobia, I have learned myself, and the support I give Emma, again was learned by trial and error (not the best way, but the only method I had)


Hearing your daughter saying that she cant cope anymore and cant carry on is heartbreaking. Seeing her distressed is unbearable. I feel helpless when I hear her sobbing on the phone when I am at work, as I am unable to give her the big hug that I know she needs. All I want to do is to be able to make it all right for her and to take away her suffering, but I cant, I can only try to support and comfort her to the best of my ability.

I know how hard it has been for you sweetheart but I just wanted to let you know again how proud I am of you; For dealing with this every day, for you putting your real name to the group, for telling the friends that you have been hiding it from, for starting the organisation, and most importantly of all, for being my daughter. 
I love you xxxxxxx

The Dangers Of Sweeteners (Aspartame)

This blog essentially is following the same theme as the last one, Sweeteners may also have an adverse effect and contribute to illness here are a couple of links to check out if you're interested:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/sep/23/sweetener-aspartame-side-effects

http://www.sweetpoison.com/aspartame-side-effects.html

Emma

xx

x

The Dangers Of Caffeine For Anxiety Sufferers.

Here are just a few of the effects that caffeine can cause in the general population:

-- Rapid or irregular heartbeat
-- Restlessness
-- Nervousness
-- Insomnia
-- Flushed face
-- Twitching or trembling
-- Distracted thoughts and speech
-- Physical agitation
-- Nausea
-- Light-headedness
-- Diarrhea
-- Mood swings

Do any of these symptoms sound familiar? That's right. They are "fight or flight" reactions designed to protect you from harm. Excessive amounts of caffeine can trigger the body's fight or flight response even though no real danger exists. This overactive fight or flight response can contribute to anxiety. Caffeine Provokes Anxiety, Insomnia, and Panic Attacks.

Caffeine holds a special danger for anxiety sufferers, and particularly for people with panic disorder. Studies on caffeine and anxiety sufferers have shown that caffeine can:

-- Increase anxiety in anxiety sufferers.

-- Cause insomnia (lack of sleep can promote panic attacks in people that are susceptible to panic attacks).

-- Provoke panic attacks in people that have panic disorder.

Here is the caffeine content of drinks (Thanks Robert) :

http://www.energyfiend.com/the-caffeine-database

My First Panic Attack.

 can still remember my first panic attack it was the single most terrifying experience of my life especially because I didn't actually know what a panic attack was. I was 15 and I was at school. I was going to Science with my 2 best friends when all of a sudden I felt very hot and dizzy, the corridor was busy and loud and I felt frightened I grabbed my friends hand and she looked surprised at my behaviour. I rushed into our classroom and took of my jumper desperately trying to cool down. I had no idea what was wrong with me I thought I was going to faint. Inside the classroom I felt disorientated and uneasy I clasped my hands over my ears and closed my eyes trying to calm myself down.

Nobody had any idea what was wrong with me and I just sat there feeling frightened and confused, in the end my teacher sent me to an empty classroom where I sat with one of the science teachers. He asked me what had happened and could it have been an asthma attack and my reply was that I honestly had no idea what had happened to me as it had never happened before.

I left school at lunchtime and I never really went back, I couldn't face it I felt confused, embarrassed and scared that if I did go back to school it would happen again.
Once I stopped going to school slowly I began to stop leaving the house all together, I made excuses to not see my friends, even going as far as purposely falling out with them and cutting them out my life. I felt like a total freak I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I felt frightened to go out and do normal things. I eventually developed Agoraphobia but I will talk about that more in a different post. Anyway I kept getting these sensations but it was happening on a regular basis now I constantly felt sick and tired and on edge, my mum took me to the doctors where he explained that I was suffering from panic attacks.

At the age of 15 I had no idea what a panic attack was and neither did my family which made it hard on all of us trying to deal with what was happening to me. Its been 4 years since my first panic attack and I've had one almost every day since, some are pretty severe and others I can handle with ease. People would think that it would get easier seen as I have had so many and that I would be used to it but the truth is I probably will never get used to it and every time I have one it is just as scary as the first time I ever experienced it.

Emma
xx
x

Anxiety Update

Today has been pretty good I've felt a little on edge a few times, but tonight I felt anxious for about 3 hours I kept fighting the anxiety hoping it would pass but surprise surprise it didn't I have just gotten into bed and a pretty sever panic attack hit me. Its kind of confusing because they come from nowhere which I guess is part of my panic disorder but its frustrating because if I don't know why I am having one I find it hard to calm myself down.

Anyway I got all in a frenzy hyperventilating and crying but my dad did some simple breathing exercises with me, he got me a drink and my favourite DVD and I am starting to return to normal although I still feel a little on edge and shaken up.

I have noticed a link between drinking coke and panic attacks I read somewhere that its common for caffeine to have this effect but I will blog about that a bit later on I think it is safe to say that after tonight Diet Coke is a big no go for me!

I am feeling exhausted and mentally drained after that but I just wanted to write a quick blog update while I am in this state of mind.

Emma

xx

x

Saturday Morning

The last Blog I posted was about Friday nights and I spoke a little about Saturdays too so I thought I would give an update. I talked about how Saturdays were hard for me but today I am feeling unusually happy and relaxed, its amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mood.


I got up nice and early which is pretty unusual for me I don't usually surface until after noon, but today I got up around 7 and instead of laying around feeling sorry for myself I decided to do something. So I made myself some breakfast, did a load of washing and had a shower not exactly exciting but it kept me busy and my mind occupied. 


I decided that in order to feel good I needed pampering so I gave myself a bit of a make over usually I don't bother but I wanted to feel special so I did my hair, my nails and my make up it took me well over an hour but it was totally worth it because I feel good and ready for the day.


A tip to all you sufferers out there I know how easy it is to hide away in your bedroom and sleep the day away but get up do something, make yourself feel special it is totally worth it!
Girls do a bit of online shopping, take a shower, do your hair or your nails, watch a feel good film or spend some time with loved ones. Guys same applies do what makes you feel good!! If you start the day feeling good your confidence will grow and you can deal with anything the day throws at you.

Its easier said than done I know because I have spent months not bothering with my appearance some days not even bothering to get out of bed. I may not be able to go out with my friends today but I am going to make an effort to talk with my family and have a good time. 


I guess this Saturday isn't going to be so bad after all :)


Emma
xx
x

Friday Night

I just thought I would write a blog about Friday nights for me as they are a huge deal. My anxiety for whatever reason always reaches its peak on a Friday night, I think it is because it is when I feel most frustrated. I am 18 and I should really be out with my friends, going for meals or a drink or to see a movie but I'm not doing any of those things. I am stuck in the house and I can only imagine the fun my friends are having. 


I try to pass the night watching television and movies but its Friday nights that I feel most lonley. I kind of like to shut myself away in my room and keep to myself most nights but on a Friday I would say I am worse. 


It bothers me also because the next day is Saturday and before I was bad Iived for Saturdays, I loved to shop even if I had no money I would spend hours trawling the shops with my best friends trying on clothes I wished I could afford and applying all the testers to my face from the make up counters. Sometimes we would just walk around the local museum and even though I had been there a million times before I always found something new and interesting there.


I hate Saturdays now, from the inside it seems like the sun always shines and I am missing out. I know that shopping isn't important and that I am not missing anything but I feel like I want to be out there in amongst the crowds, people bumping into me and hearing the blur of a million conversation rushing past me.


I try my hardest to fill my Saturdays with fun I usually have a sleepover on the night or do some online shopping but it just isn't the same. To all you agoraphobics out there what day do you miss the most? Because I miss Saturday the most. I can't wait until I get better because I can guarantee I wont spend a single weekend in the house :)


Emma
xx
x

Facebook group

Just a quick post to anyone who may be reading, please join my Facebook page and help spread the word.

http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=174&uid=149852801707995#!/pages/Support-for-Panic-Disorders-Agoraphobia/149852801707995

Introductions...

I've decided to start this Blog to help people suffering with Panic Disorders. Let me explain...

My name is Emma and I am a teenager suffering with Anxiety and Agoraphobia, I have a panic disorder. Its surprising how many people have never actually heard of this. I have been a sufferer for around 4 years now sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse but for 4 years it has been there. I am still young I am only 18 and I find this disorder disabling it prevents me from doing the usual things people my age do, I dropped out of school and I don't work. I want to go on holiday with my friends or go clubbing but I find those things impossible to do. 

I still manage to live a normal life though I have my family and my friends, I still laugh and cry like everyone else. This blog will follow my progress and my feelings in the hope that it will help me come to terms with my condition and help others too.