Right first off I will start by listing the different medications I have been on:
- Fluoxetine (Prozac)
- Amitriptyline
- Citalopram
- Diazepam (Valium)
- Beta Blockers - (although these were prescribed to me I flat out refused to take them.)
I was 14 when I was first prescribed Prozac I have spoke about this in one of my previous blogs so I wont spend too much time discussing it here I will link the other blog at the end of this post if you are interested. Fluoxetine also known as Prozac is an anti-depressant of the SSRI class. I was too young for my GP to prescribe me it so I was sent to a psychiatrist who would be able to prescribe me them after a month of so of therapy. In all honesty I was so young I was pretty against the idea of therapy and pills so foolishly I didn't give it a go properly. I was sure I could go it myself and I was a typical difficult teenager, I missed appointments with my counsellor and I would pop my pill down the toilet or the sink so I didn't see much of an improvement. I think I was young and naive and I truly believed I didn't need help. Howeve SSRI's have actually been my favourite type of medication so far.
I had suffered from depression from a young age but I had never experienced anxiety until I was 15 and I had my first attack in school which scared me enough that I never actually went back to school I dropped out. When I began refusing to leave my bedroom though my Mum called the doctor out and I was prescribed Amitriptyline which is a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA). Once again I was scared about taking medication and I tried to resist but I was so anxious and so low I had to give them a go. I did not like this tablet one bit infact I had such a bad experience with it, I stopped taking meds all together for a really long time. While I was taking these tablets I was constantly asleep I could not physically wake myself up, my Mum came to my bedroom to wake me up one morning and actually got quite frightened by how out of it and unresponsive I was. However I know not everyone is like that on these tablets as my Mum was later prescribed them and they helped her BUT she also found herself falling asleep a lot too. She also struggled with waking up. They left me feeling out of control as I was unable to physically keep myself awake so it made me worse resulting in me refusing to take them or any other medication for that matter.
When I was 16 in 2008 I began to get better I got myself a job working as a receptionist and I even went on 2 family holidays, we didn't leave the country we went camping and to a caravan park but it was amazing to me just being able to go away with my family. As my anxiety subsided I found my depression got worse so I went back to the doctors and this time I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg I spoke to my doctor about my reservations seen as I had such a hard time with the medication I was on before but he assured me it would help so I began taking them. There was a huge change in me as a person I felt optimistic and anxiety free! I even went travelling on my own, I only went to Scotland but I felt so free going away on my own to a different place, ofcourse I got nervous but I don't think I suffered one anxiety attack. Many people commented on how brave it was of me travelling alone at 16 but at the time it felt amazing I don't think I have ever felt so free. Then I made a common mistake I come off my medication believing I was better which was a huge mistake things went downhill from there.
The beginning of this year I had what the doctor called a nervous break down, it happened early hours of the morning and I became hysterical I don't like to talk about it too much because it is upsetting but as soon as the doctors opened my Mum went down and begged someone to come and see me as she was really afraid for me. A doctor came out straight away and had a chat with me, she told me she was going to prescribe me Diazepam (Valium) I was against this as I had heard how Valium would knock you out but I was desperate and I have to say it was the fastest acting medication I have ever taken. Within an hour of taking the first tablet I was sleepy and spaced and anxiety free, I almost felt like I was floating I felt light and weird I wasn't frightened though and I didn't feel worried. I fell in love with Diazepam straight away and I remember getting the best sleep ever with them.
However my family and friends began to get a little concerned as they thought I was becoming a little too dependant on them I was prescribed my Citalopram again but I didn't bother with them aslong as I had my Diazepam I didn't care about the Citalopram. The downside to the Valium was I was constantly a little bit spaced and sleepy. I also found it didn't just take away my anxiety it took away all my emotions I kind of felt numb on these tablets. A psychiatrist came to visit me at home and decided to stop the Diazepam as she felt I was getting a mental addiction.
Now I am on Citalopram and I think I have finally found the best medication for me! The first week on my new meds was hell, I felt dizzy, sick, exhausted, spaced out and generally not myself I begged my Mum to let me come off them but she told me to stick in as it would be worth it and I am so glad I did. I started out on 10mg as going straight in with 20mg can worsen anxiety. The only side effects I know of on Citalopram is sleepiness which I do suffer from but that is a small price to pay. I know atleast 4 other people also on Citalopram and it works wonders for them too! It really is the best for me as there aren't a lot of side effects and it is effective for me.
If you are starting out on Citalopram and you feel awful I urge you to hang in there! The one week of hell is worth it in the end.
Let me know what you think of this blog!!!!
Emma
xx
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