Where has Emma been?

Hiya everyone, I know it has been a while since I did a blog post. In fact it has probably been a while since any of you heard from me. I know I have some of you added to my personal Facebook and so I am able to chat to you but a lot of people don't have my Skype or Facebook added so I felt I should do this blog to explain what has been up with me lately. 


Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I made 2 video's and uploaded them to my youtube channel, I got really positive feedback so I decided to make it a regular thing, I promised you all I would continue to make my videos but I didn't stick to that so I apologize. Some of you may know I had my lip pierced and it became very swollen and bruised so I was unable to talk hence I didn't make a video. My lip is back to normal now luckily. 


I suffer from depression as well as anxiety and although my anxiety has improved so much lately I feel as though I have been a little more depressed than usual, I think this is down to my sleeping patterns. It is no secret that I struggle so much with my sleep, I will stay up until 8am then sleep all day and my cycle will be turned upside down totally. When this happens I tend to become more depressed as I am spending all of my time alone in my room not talking to many people. I don't get to see daylight either because I sleep all day and when I wake up it is dark which obviously doesn't help.


With my depressive episodes I shut people out too, I don't really speak to anyone which is why I haven't been keeping up with my group, although there is no excuse. I am still feeling pretty down at the moment but I have these kinds of episodes where I become depressed but it never lasts forever. I promise to make a video ASAP and to get myself back on track.


So yeah the only reason for this blog was to kind of explain where I have been. Sorry everyone and I hope you all know you can inbox me, email me, message me anytime you need me. I promise to get back to my group and get everything running again.


Thanks for reading this and having patience with me,


Emma
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Another successful day :)

Well I have been out again today I woke up this morning feeling ready to go! My Mum and Dad haven't been too well lately my Dad has a chest infection and my Mum has a really bad cold I don't think they would have gone out if I hadn't of asked so I am really grateful especially how they kept smiling and cheerful all day when I could tell they were really ill, so Mum, Dad if you read this I love you and thanks for supporting me :)


Okay so that's the soppy stuff out the way I know you all want to know how it went for me so I am going to tell you. We got in the car to go to Currys for those of you that don't know what that is its this kind of big store that sells all kinds of appliances, from laptops to cookers it sells a lot of pretty cool stuff. I had decided I wanted to go there because I can't afford a laptop at the moment but I had heard you can get them on credit which is ideal for me making small monthly repayments. There is no way I could live without my laptop it is my lifeline to the outside world on those days I can't get out and I have grown to love my Facebook group I care about every one of my members and I love reading your little comments on my page and hearing how you are all doing. So when I told my Mum and Dad this they thought it was best if they took me ASAP to get my laptop. 


I picked the laptop pretty much as soon as I got through the door I spotted it, it is quite girly which I like! So choosing what I wanted didn't take too long it was getting the credit check that took forever. I was really worried about this because I knew I would have to sit in the middle of this shop for however long it would take and that made me really nervous. My Mum gave me her car keys and told me if I needed to leave I could go at any point which helped a lot. My Mum and Dad took it in turns to sit beside me and the girl who served me was great she was very friendly which put me at ease. I was telling her about my course and my Facebook page and she thought it was a great idea.


Anyway there was a few technical difficulties so I was there a lot longer than I anticipated and my parents were really shocked by how chatty and laid back I was, I didn't break a sweat once or have my heart race it was fantastic. I never once thought I would be sat in the middle of a huge busy shop on a Saturday without batting an eyelid!


After we got the laptop sorted my Dad wanted to have a look at some DVDs so we drove to blockbuster which is on the other side of the water so it's quite a distance away from Currys I was nervous but thought I might aswell give it a go. I surprised myself further by going into Blockbuster and actually leaving my Dad to wander off on my own. We didn't buy anything and my Dad was starting to feel really sick from the antibiotics so we decided to head home, on the way we had to stop off at a little shop so my Dad could get some water he is really poorly at the moment and I worry about him! Luckily though he wasn't sick :) We decided instead of cooking we would get a McDonalds to celebrate how well today has went. So as we arrived at McDonalds I went off to the cash machine on my own to take out some money, it felt so good walking on my own with my head held high I didn't want to get back in the car!! lol


So today has been pretty successful I would say and I am so thankful to everyone who leaves me supportive and encouraging messages it really helps me and keeps me going.


Emma 
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Going out, Course & An embarrassing subject.

I know it has been a long time since I wrote a blog, well it feels like it has been a long time mind you I have been all over the place a bit lately it seems to be just one thing after another, I am not going to complain though because I have been feeling a lot more positive. Okay so here are some of the things that have been going on with me at the moment;


As you all know I was given double the dosage of my tablets at first it was a nightmare I felt dizzy, tired, sick and fed up it was horrible I wanted to stop taking the tablets but my Mum urged me to continue taking them and I did, it was worth a shot I mean I couldn't possibly feel any worse and I was still going to have my anxiety either way so I stuck with it and I am glad I did. For all of you out there who feel worried about taking new tablets and the side effects stick with it because the outcome is worth the first few weeks of sickness or extra anxiety or whatever. 


Ok girls this is a bit of an embarrassing subject but I find that my anxiety goes through the roof when I get my PMT right before my period, does anyone else find this? If you do please let me know! Well surprisingly this month I haven't had that at all I feel pretty ok which has surprised me and my Mum. So any of the girls reading this who have the same problem I urge you to please see your doctor I know how awful it was for me and the improvement in 3 weeks is amazing.


My course material arrived in the post yesterday I had to do a case study as a kind of test to see if I am suitable for the course I am very nervous but I have completed it and am quite pleased with my work. 


I told my Mum I needed her to post it for me and she suggested that I post it myself so we got in the car to pick my dad up from work. My dad works in the town centre so I always get kind of nervous heading into town because it is usually crowded and the roads are busy, today was no exception there was a lot of traffic because everyone was heading home from work and school. I felt a wave of anxiety come over me and somehow I managed to fight it off, the anxiety just left and I knew I could do it. I even got brave enough and walked to my Dad's work from the car park on my own, I stood in the waiting room for a while waiting for him to finish and he was so shocked to see me there it was such a great feeling!


We got back to the car and I felt strong so on the way home when my parents stopped at the green grocers for some fruit and veg I decided to go into the shop with them and again I was ok. I wont say that I wasn't nervous or worried but I managed to keep myself composed which was amazing to me. 


We live right by a shop and pharmacy and there is a post box outside so we stopped off on the way home so I could post my letter I even popped into the corner shop to buy myself some sweets and a bottle of water my Mam and Dad were really proud of me because I even struck up a conversation with the woman who works in the shop they said it was nice to see me being so social.


Anyway, I have just had my tea and I am watching some television now so I just wanted to let everyone know what I had done, I think my friend Lisa is coming to spend the night with me too which will be nice, feel free to comment or whatever :)

Emma 
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A very weird week.

I wanted to write everyone an update as I feel I have been absent a lot lately, I haven't been speaking to many people or updating my page a lot. As some of you know I have been given a higher dosage of my medication and this has affected me a lot more than I thought it would, I have constantly felt tired and worn out. I have spent all night lying in bed tossing and turning feeling physically and mentally drained but for whatever reason I have not been able to sleep. I have been falling asleep around 7 or 8am and spending the whole day in bed, I haven't been seeing a lot of daylight or having a lot of interaction with anyone and I really believe that has made me feel the way I do.


I suffer from depression as well as Anxiety I usually find that when I am depressed my anxiety eases off and when my depression eases my anxiety is heightened. l don't know if anyone else finds this? So I just wanted to let everyone know I'm not ignoring you all or abandoning my page I am trying to adjust to my meds and hopefully I will be back to my old self in no time :)

Emma 
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Some Exciting News :)

Hiya everyone I have some exciting news for anyone who is interested, well you probably wont find it that exciting but to me it is huge! Anyone who is following my blog or part of my group will know that I am hopefully going to set up an organisation in my home town to support people with anxiety disorders and agoraphobia. Well I have been working pretty hard on it lately getting everything down onto paper and spreading the word and it seems that quite a few people are interested in my idea and think it is great. 2 women passed on their business cards to me and are going to help me get started and today I had my official constitution drafted which was pretty exciting for me! My dad who helps organisations and group gets started showed my ideas to a colleague and she said she would set up a meeting with me to help me get funding so yeah it feels like everything is starting to fall into place. Its a little daunting if I am honest I keep wanting to pinch myself I am only 19 I never ever dreamed I would be doing this kind of thing! 

Also I enrolled in a distance learning course, I think it is 12 weeks and it is "Working with people who have mental health issues" which really interests me and will definitely come in handy for my organisation. Anyways enough ramblings from me I just wanted to update everyone. 


Emma
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Feeling emotional.

Hiya everyone, I need to keep on top of my blog I have been letting it slip recently and I feel kind of bad about it. I just wanted to talk about the last couple of weeks for me as they have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster I have had amazing highs and pretty crappy lows it's all been a bit tiring and confusing so I thought I would give everyone an update on what has been going on. 


Anyone who has been following my blog will know it was my birthday at the end of last month and there were so many emotions surrounding that day for me anyway I didn't want to be agoraphobic on my birthday and also turning 19 made me realise that the years are literally passing me by and I feel as though I am not moving forward. Anyway my birthday came around whether I liked it or not and I was surprised by how different I felt. My birthday party proved to me that I did have friends and family around who cared for me and it gave me a bit of a boost and from that day I started venturing out more, not without hiccups but I  felt a lot braver. I had my family and friends supporting me at all times and I felt on top of the world. Then for no reason I just came crashing back down again.


It was about 11pm and I just felt extremely sad all of a sudden for no reason, I think it might have been because I was on my own again, my family had gone to bed early as they were going back to work and my sister was starting college and I have found that I don't do too well on my own.
From that day on I just felt miserable like I didn't want to get out of bed or see anyone, my best friend even came over until 4am one morning to sit with me but I just couldn't cheer myself up I was feeling angry at myself and let down which made everything seem a lot worse. 


I have kind of been up and down now for the last couple of weeks but I am hoping to get back on track again soon I am too determined to give up this time. So that probably explains why I haven't been updating my blog much I have just been going through a bit of a rough patch but I feel better after getting things off my chest.


Emma
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Being A Teenager With Agoraphobia

Okay so tonight I am feeling pretty lonely and emotional so I just wanted to write an update while I am in this frame of mind.

Its a Saturday night and I am home alone which doesn't feel too great when you are 19! This is the first Saturday night I have spent alone in months so I guess that is partly why I feel so emotional. I hate being alone because that it when I get thinking about everything about my anxiety and agoraphobia and I try to avoid thinking about those things because if I do I worry that I will actually go crazy! Its pretty hard for me to write this blog because I feel kind of vulnerable I usually don't like people to see that side to me I like to keep up appearances and come across as strong and happy.

I feel frustrated because I want to go out into the world, I want to go back to school and get a job. I want to go on holiday and learn to drive and do everything I want to do but that just isn't an  option for me at the moment and I honestly have no idea when I will be able to do all those things. It's just hard being so young and watching your life pass you by.

I am so sorry for the ramblings and I don't want to seem very woe is me but I think we all get days like this. I can't really write any more because I am so anxious and tired and emotional but I will probably extend this blog at a later date,

Emma
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